The San Campion Tape
by primadonnabloodbath
Summary: A government official comes to San Campion with some questions, and the masters aren't exactly ready to give him answers. One-shot, only partly serious.


**A/N:** Oh man, I am so sorry about what happened! I had 5 chapters of _Villains Drabbles_ all set to publish when my flippin' computer DIED and I lost everything. I just got this new one as an early Christmas present, and now I've got to rewrite EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Ugh, sorry again. I'm gonna update that fic on Sunday, and change the schedule to "whenever I feel like it" because I'm still fuming about being so stupid not to back up my files. Moral of the Story: BACK UP EVERYTHING.

Anyways, have fun with this little crack one-shot and ignore my ranting.

* * *

"So…" Ray started. "Anyone gonna tell me what's going on here?" Gabe and Allie were sitting around a beat-up cassette player, with Gargle and Squeaky already summoned. Allie was holding a black tape with a white label reading 'San Campion' written sloppily in permanent marker.

"I dunno," she said, putting the tape in the player. "I came in this morning and the masters were all shaky. Handed us this and told us to destroy it in any way possible. Kinda weird, but I'm kinda curious to see what it is."

"Allie!" Gabe scolded. "I don't think they want us to hear it… I mean maybe we could listen to it a little bit, but our main priority is making sure this thing never sees the light of day again." He motioned to Gargle, who nodded, and pressed the button on the player. It roared to life, going much faster than it should have been able to at its state, rewinding and whirring loudly. A sharp click entered the air, and the tape began to play.

* * *

This is an official government-officiated recording, made purely for investigative purposes. This tape is not to be modified or redistributed under capital punishment of federal law.

This is an official government-officiated recording, made purely for investigative purposes. This tape is not to be modified or redistributed under capital punishment of federal law.

This is an official government-officiated recording, made purely for investigative purposes. This tape is not to be modified or redistributed under capital punishment of fe-fe-f-e-ffffffffffffff…

 _*static*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** State your name.

 **CHAVEZ:** Why am I handcuffed? You already pat me down, didn't y-

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Your name, sir.

 **CHAVEZ:** Hector Chavez. Would you care to have a middle name with that?

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Occupation?

 **CHAVEZ:** Martial Arts teacher.

 _*tape whirring*_

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** …ate your name.

 **LOBACHEVSKI:** Nadia Lobachevski. Femme fatale, bon vivant, world traveler, and a master at-

 _*tape whirring*_

 **KIMORA:** Benjirou Kimora. Or Kimora Benjirou, if we're going to go about it the American way… are we?

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** And your occupation?

 **KIMORA:** Well, you did sort of drag me from the building yourself-

 _*tape whirring*_

 **JAHA:** I'm not sure if I remember the whole thing, per say… It's been quite a while.

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Are you sure?

 **JAHA:** I don't know, am I?

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Ma'am, I-

 **JAHA:** I mean, I didn't even look like this until last week! You expect me to remember something as menial as this when I have 3 feet to get used to? The nerve on you boys, I swea-

 _*tape whirring*_

 **ISAO:** You have an utter lack of respect for your elders, dear boy. That's no way to speak to me.

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Sir, calm down, I've only asked for your name.

 **ISAO:** Don't tell me to calm down! Am I not entitled to a lawyer in these situate-

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** …found your car and various other students of yours at these scenes, and that doesn't sound suspicious to you?

 **CHAVEZ:** Not in the slightest.

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **ISAO:** Are you unfamiliar with coincidences? Besides, staged forms of apparent 'eco-terrorism' is a bit unrealistic, don't you think? This isn't a cartoon.

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **LOBACHEVSKI:** If you must know, I do sometimes participate in these school dances as an escort. I make sure everything is normal, for the most part. There was this one time-

 _*tape whirring*_

 **KIMORA:** I'll have you know that everything I cultivate is 100% legal.

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** What are you even talking about?

 **JAHA:** I lost track around the third question. Mind jogging my memory?

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Alright. You're not making sense. At this point, I'm pretty sure I can have you all tried for mental instability via cult mentality, along with multiple charges of-

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **CHAVEZ:** I have duly convinced my father that I have been dead for eight years.

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **LOBACHEVSKI:** Do you want how color-blind I am? This was supposed to be red! Red!

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 **KIMORA:** Well, the accent is half for the storefront, and the other is for… personal reasons. Needless to say my real voice is a bit more… game-y, I guess? Guess that's what happens when you're from down under! …Please don't tell anyone. Please.

 _*tape whirring*_

 **ISAO:** Can I go home now?

 _*tape whirring*_

 **JAHA:** Ah, but that implies I'm ashamed. Who's to say I can't enjoy the more trashy aspects of music?

 **GOV. OFFICIAL:** Oh my god. All of you are certified insane. This doesn't even have to do with what I asked in the first-

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

 _*tape whirring*_

* * *

The sound of the tape's cord loudly snapping and dislodging itself from the plastic rings rang out. Gargle chirped merrily as he picked up the now unwound tape. "Ah-ah-ah! Game over! Gargle killed the radio star!"

"Man, I didn't even know they even used cassette tapes anymore," Ray said, taking the broken tape from Gargle's hands. "Besides, couldn't we have just thrown this in a volcano?"

"C'mon, Ray! I thought you liked doing stuff the weird way?" Allie responded. "Besides, we got to hear how the duel masters dealt with that government creep."

"Among other things," Gabe said. "Do you think they were acting weird on purpose, or do they really act like that when we're not around?"

"Well, everyone's got secrets, right?" Ray asked, as he tossed the tape into Squeaky's awaiting mouth. "For the best, we'll probably never know the whole thing."


End file.
